Heaven is in a turmoil!

All the fire goddesses are having a little spat about who's the greatest fire goddess of all. They've been hurling fireballs at one another all morning. Yesterday they were arguing about who had the most worshippers and they were all cheating by roasting each other's worshippers when the others weren't looking and it continued until one of the meddling water goddesses stepped in and told them to cool it or she'd douse them all. That sent them all after her all night and made them forget about their fight but so far word is she's been hiding in one of the seas where they can't get to her. So now they're back to hurling fireballs.
And I've heard a rumor that one of the minor goddesses is carrying on a love affair with a mortal! Not that that's any big deal, but it sounds as if she is actually IN love with him which is a big no-no. She could lose her immortality if this continues! I'll keep an update on this.
I've been to my king's castle and he's been treating me mighty well, offering me his throne to sit in and all. He's a gorgeous young king and he's just the funniest person I've ever met. I came to warn him of impending attacks from the northern borders of our land but he's all well prepared for that. I choosed his royal line well, I must say. He was in bed then - I make a point of always arriving at night like a divine vision - and nothing doing but to get back in bed and help him get some sleep. I spent quite a few days at the palace after that. A goddess must interact with her people to keep in touch with them! And he's leaving after that, for the war.

Divinely bored.

Can it be true? That even a divine life can get a little boring after a while? Things are starting to feel a little dreary. I get fidgety as I make chains of stars while lounging in my heavenly palace. Whatever should I do?

Sacred Grove Miracle!

All the trees of the sacred groves which the priestesses have planted yesterday have grown full-size overnight! Everyone is running out and blathering about what a miracle it is.
But it's not a miracle really. I made them grow overnight. Heheh.
Oh wait. That is a miracle. Nevermind.

All Priests Are Liars.

They're making up a lot of prayers for me now and writing things about how the prayers came about in the holy books. And it's all lies. But I don't correct them because they write nice things about me.
In the meantime the priestesses are planting all kinds of "sacred groves" for me. There are sacred birch tree groves and sacred orange tree groves and sacred oak tree groves. Someone asked "What makes these groves sacred?" But nobody answered him and I blasted him with one strike of lightning when no one was looking.

You are being addressed by your Divine Nutmeg and Parsley.

One of the drawbacks of being a goddess is that you get to listen to loads of really bad poetry composed about and for you. I mean, I really appreciate the thought, honest, I do, and I'm delighted, but when a particularly bad piece of poetry starts to go on and on and doesn't seem to be under seven hundred lines, well, there's only so much you can take. And it's not as if I can tune out these well-meaning poets of mine because as a goddess, you're obliged to listen to every single word your people utter.
Currently, I am being compared to the beauty of nutmeg and parsley by one devotee. I have strange devotees with strange tastes in food! They'd better not start putting nutmeg and parsley as offerings on my altars.

Meet the DDs!

For safety reasons, I have decided upon a small army of bodyguards that should surround me at all times even though I am perfectly capable of defending my immortal self. They are primarily there for IIPs (Intimidating Image Purposes). They consist of seven middle-aged matriarchs dressed in prim black and white silk who look like perfectly harmless old duennas – that is until anyone dares to anger me. Then they enter their destructive modes and whip out their seven celestial weapons – the immortal axes, the steel chains, broadswords, spears, crossbows, hooks and whips. Very impressive. I call them my Destructive Duennas.

Horror of horrors!

There has been an attack on my temples!!!
I got back the moment I heard my devotees screaming but by then it was too late! Head Priest Al Va Don is dead! He had been attacked by a raving Pascala who had been trying to deface my statues and my temples with a razor and hot wax. She would have hurt more people if not she had tripped over a stray chicken. It was then that I appeared and sentenced her to seven times seven lifetimes in seven hells. Don’t ask me why it was seven. I just came up with that on the spur of the moment.

A goddess does not spend all her time with her people.

Of course, she is supposed to be there for them 24/7, watching their every move and listening to their every thought and prayer. But it’s not necessary for her to be there in divine person all the time. A queen, yes, because she’s a mortal running a kingdom. A goddess with abilities like mine is another story. And it’s good to get away from the crowds of devotees every now and then. So today I informed Al Va Don that I wouldn’t be around and made a beeline to Paradise Spa, latest Divine Resort of Gods and Goddesses. I hear it is a favourite with celebrity couples like Cupid and Psyche and Vishnu and Lakshmi.

Down with OWDDMs!

Today I ripped out the heart of an OWDDM (One Who Dares to Displease Me) and ate it while he watched. I made a new discovery! Hearts make a fine and tasty meal, especially when eaten alive, with pepper and salt. Oh, how I do despise OWDDMs! They disgust me. This particular one dared suggest that I was not a goddess, that I should be subjected to a test to see if I bleed or not. Should I bleed, this ignominious peasant said, it would be proof that I was no immortal. Instead, I subjected him to a test of whether he should continue to live after I rip his heart out and ate it before his very eyes. He did not live.

Ode to Myself

Everyone bow down before me! I am the Great Goddess Marilynus! You, the little girl down there! Cease your crying or else I’ll have your head! Urgh! Control your brat, woman! Everyone stands in a hushed awe and gazes with utter devotion at the shining beautiful face of their brilliant star. Such a star, has never been seen before. Is that evil which lurks on the sculpted features of her face? Or is that kindness and benevolence? Mischief? Who knows? Who cares? Point is, I and I alone outshine the world. I create new palaces, mystical creatures, new flower species and shrimp at the drop of a crown. Portraits by the greatest master can never do my beauty justice. Even my head priest can never be as beautiful as I can be.

Damnit!

I find that my idea of having quillions of terracotta warriors and sacrificed humans all over my Number One Temple has already been stolen by some louse of an emperor for his rubbishy old castle centuries ago. It's bad enough that my previous idea of a sky painting on the ceiling has also been stolen by a painter named michaelideadonmyback AND some mousy old writer named J.K. Rubbish who writes about scarfaced orphaned geeks.
So what does that leave me with? A viper pit, perhaps? Maybe I should have a quillion REAL warrior corpses to guard the temple. And some cremated orphans, because the ghosts of children are always known to scare demons.
Hmmm.
That's an idea.
But first, off to see over the coffers of my temples! Ah, when you're a Goddess, the number of worshippers who shove their money at you is, no pun intended, divine!

Head Priest Auditions are Over!

Head Priest Al Va Don aka my Personal Assistant is a cutie. He was the only one who made it all the way down the Nile River and back on foot and now he's really, really fit. I mean, fitter than even before. All that river walking made him all lean, with not an ounce of fat, with a certain scruffy look. So I made him Head of all Head Priests. Mmm. AND he worships me. Like, literally. Life as a goddess is good.

Strange Requests

I think that there should be a competition among gods and goddesses on who gets the most bizarre requests from their devotees. I know I get the most bizarre requests! The latest that I got was from some gal named Pascala. Apparently brazilian waxes are costing her a bomb and she was wondering if I, as her goddess, could bestow on her some permanent hair-loss in a certain area of her body. Well, as you know with my amazing powers, I could do that in a snap, but, like, should I?
One of the most important things about being a goddess is letting your mortals suffer. Suffering is good. It helps them build character. But I did suggest to her that she could consider cheaper alternatives like DIY shaving and gave her an elephant as a souviner. She didn't look too happy as she left but then, hey, life isn't easy! It's only slightly easier when you're a goddess. It's one of the perks.